happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
