Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
