Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
