Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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