My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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