You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
