I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
where am i from again
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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