I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
