Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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