who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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