I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
