I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
