Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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