I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
