i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The cops high fived after they tackled you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
