im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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