dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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