I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
