What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
