the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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