I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
