Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
