Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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