yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
