Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
