the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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