on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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