i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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