How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
