i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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