i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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