I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
