3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
