Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sorry my hands just texted you
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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