the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
