just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
