The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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