I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
