haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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