lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
