god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
