the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
