the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
