I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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