i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
