Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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