I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
