Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
