I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
