Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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